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Getting over someone you never dated is admittedly very hard. It’s largely due to the fact that the relationship hangs in that in-between state of not really having a beginning nor an ending.
The worse is wondering why you weren’t enough or why they didn’t like you enough to pursue things further…. But the truth is… most times it’s not about you at all.
Hence, it’s quite hard to get over someone you never dated because of the uncertainty of what could have been. There’s no clear distinction of a beginning and an ending; it’s confusing. You might have shared some deep talks, intimate moments, and even intimacy, but you never were exclusive.
You can be overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, grief, frustration, rejection, and even isolation. Isolation as others closest to you might not understand the array of feelings you are going through. To others it might not seem serious but to you it was. It meant something.
It is with little doubt that through time and distance, you will get over this person. However, there are 7 important steps you should take in order to get over someone you never dated.
1. Don’t stay in contact
Ever heard of the expression “Out of sight, out of mind”? Well, there’s value in that statement. Just picture this: the person you’re not over he or she is already constantly on your mind. On top of that: you have to see their name and face everywhere on your phone too?
Of course you’ll never get over them if you are constantly reminded of them and constantly checking up on them.
Having this person name pop up every time you or they post an instagram story will keep you stuck. The mixed signals, and yes, the secret hope that they will see, care, reply, reach out, to your stories and posts. It’s an endless loop of false hope and crushed feelings.
Stop giving yourself false hope! You deserve better than that… like someone that wants to be with you and that doesn’t give you mixed messages.
Other harmful behaviours that is keeping you stuck: Seeing when they’re active online, going through their pictures, going through your last texts, etc. Delete these texts and their contact information, especially if you guys weren’t necessarily friends or close before the ‘almost’ dating phase.
I don’t think you need to block them because that might cause too much attention and provocation. But if you really need to, to gain your own sanity and control back, do so.
In essence, you need to make a constant effort of stop checking up on them. Simply remove them out of sight and eventually they will be less on your mind as well.
2. Make sure you’re not chasing someone that’s unattainable
I would also suggest to make sure that you’re not chasing someone that’s unattainable to begin with. And if you are, ask yourself why you’re doing that to yourself?
I mean really think about it. Sometimes we are setting ourselves up for failure. At times, the risk is not even worth it. The extreme cases involve someone that’s already in a relationship, married, or in a position of superiority (such as a boss, manager, teacher, etc.)
Other times, the person we are pursuing is simply emotionally unavailable. As in they just got out of a relationship or they’re really not wanting to invest time and energy into a relationship no matter how much you think they like you.
It could be that you pursued this person and idealized them in your mind because precisely they are unavailable. In this way, you might be self-sabotaging yourself. Maybe deep down you don’t think you are deserving of someone that’s attainable and that actually wants to be with you.
There are available people out there, chasing the one that isn’t can be reinforcing personal beliefs such as thinking you’re unlovable and undesirable. Therefore, you should think about the initial compatibility you had with this person you are now trying to get over.
3. Erase the “down the road” hypothesis
My next tip would be to erase the “down the road” hypothesis. The what if’s: what if he/she is not ready right now? What if he/she really does like me? What if he/she just doesn’t have time right now? Etc.
Most likely than not, when someone truly likes you and wants to try to be with you they wouldn’t leave you on read, play mind games, and/or friend zone you. (Whether these actions be intentional or unintentional on their part.) Even if the time might be off for them, chances are they would still be open to trying if they really wanted to.
If not, it’s generally a lost cause. And playing the “what ifs” in your mind and the “maybe down the road” will keep you stuck.
Furthermore, chances are that second chances don’t work. Especially between two people that haven’t really dated on the first try to begin with. Even if she/he comes back after months and/or years to finally try: most times it doesn’t work out.
Unless both people can forgive, look past, and communicate what went wrong on the first try. And agree on what they both want this time around… It can be possible. But if I were you, I wouldn’t entertain the idea. I would stir clear from the “down the road” hypothesis.
Even so, some people we are simply not meant to date. And accepting that fact will help you move on and understand who is truly compatible for you moving forward.
Not everyone shares the same worldview and goals as you do. Many people want different things, react differently towards intimacy, and relationships. We need to accept that not everyone sees eye to eye with what we want and need.
Essentially, people are different – some people can do couple-y thing(s) and sleep with you and still not be affected in the way that you are. You can’t force someone to feel things back for you nor can you force them to enter a relationship with you.
4. Allow yourself to feel
Firstly, you really need to try to be honest with yourself on how you truly feel. Don’t deny yourself from the feelings you are feeling. You might be extremely sad and/or angry, you might feel rejected and down.
Whichever emotion it is: let yourself feel.
Be sad and cry if you need to. You are much better off grieving now in order to move on healthily, rather than carrying these heavy emotions that are brooding below the surface. If they are left unprocessed you will have a much harder time to move on and heal. And you might even hurt someone else in the future.
Plus, you might find yourself wallowing in self-pity down the line and stuck mentally and emotionally over this experience. Precisely because you didn’t let yourself feel.
You’re allowed to feel. It will help you heal. It’s never a good idea to bottle up your emotions. People affect us – it doesn’t matter if you didn’t “date date” them. You still spent time with them, spoke to them, shared and confessed things to them, and hoped to move forward with them.
If you can’t talk about it with family and friends because they don’t understand, reach out to people online who have been in similar situations or even to a professional. You can also write down all of your feelings.
I was once in this similar situation and I turned to my journal to process down my feelings around the experience. And it helped me immensely. It helped me understand that it wasn’t necessarily me, and that we were fundamentally not compatible, and that it was actually better it ended as it did.
Please don’t minimize yourself or let others minimize your emotions and experiences. Of course family and friends want you to move on but let them know that they can emotionally support and listen to you in order for you to do so.
Just remember, loss is loss and pain is pain. It can be confusing to navigate these emotions because you and this person weren’t necessarily dating. But that doesn’t lessen your feelings, attachment, and the experiences you shared with this person that you hoped to be with.
SEE ALSO: 5 Mental Health Benefits of Journaling
5. Truly think if that person was for you
Sometimes we are blinded by our rose coloured glasses. I call them the ‘adoration’ sunglasses. Therefore, you should truly try to think if that person was for you.
At time, we don’t even really really know who that person is. We even ignore initial red flags concerning behaviours and choices we normally wouldn’t like or tolerate in others. Sure, no one is perfect but it’s a good idea to make a list of the good and bad traits that person possessed.
It will allow you to see a clearer picture. You could see if ultimately the two of you would be compatible. In this matter, we slowly start to understand that there are other people out there more inclined to have more of these good traits and want the same thing(s) that we want.
You might also realize that you put this person high up on a pedestal. And that you were projecting your perceived conceptions onto them.
Maybe you overvalued and overanalyzed their actions, words, compliments, etc. when you were with them. That’s why you need the objective distance, to take off the rose coloured glasses.
Also note that if you reflect back and think that some of the things they’ve said and done don’t add up, as I said, it’s not necessarily about you. You can’t force someone to like you back, to be communicative, and to be honest with you.
Now, the only choice left for you is to reflect on what you really want going forth when finding an available partner in the future.
6. Keep your mind occupied
This step is crucial in helping you to get over someone you never dated. Similarly to the “out of sight out of mind” motto, a preoccupied mind will lessen its obsession on the situation and the person you are trying to get over.
It’s not bad to keep distracted granted that you have allowed yourself to process and let yourself feel the emotions you felt as seen in the previous steps.
What I mean by keeping your mind occupied is to spend time focusing on yourself. You can throw yourself in new projects, find new hobbies and reconnect with old ones. It’s also a good idea to do activities that will release feelings of well-being such as working out, reading, writing, and going out with friends.
As days and weeks go by, you will think less about this person and you will heal. You will find your mind engaged with so many other fascinating aspects of your life that eventually you won’t have the time (and energy) to dwell and obsess anymore on what went wrong. Your mind will be engaged in more productive and healthy activities instead.
SEE ALSO: 50 Productive Things To Do At Home
7. Allow yourself to move on
Finally, allow yourself to move on. After you’ve completed all of these other steps. It’s time to move on. Get back on the dating wagon if you feel emotionally ready. Go back out there.
This person and what you had – and worse, what you almost had – is long gone and you are allowing yourself to get over then. There’s no room for reclaiming false hopes and expectations.
Know that you are free.
And that you will find someone truly compatible and wanting to be with you as well as wanting the same things as you.
It is true, there are plenty of fishes in the sea. But only after you started healing will you be aware of the others swimming by you, waiting for you to be ready!
I hope these 7 steps on how to get over someone you never dated have offered helpful guidance and insight for you. Getting over someone – even if you never dated them – is hard. But it is possible. Please be patient with yourself and allow yourself to fully process your emotions.
Let me know what are some of the steps you – or someone you know – took in order to get over someone you have never dated.
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